March 31, 2026

Happy end of March. Don't ask me how I am, because the answer is bad.

This time three weeks ago, I had three job interviews on the books that I thought at least one, maybe two would pan out for. Ha ha. I'm so demoralized that I don't know if it's even worth it to keep looking for a job right now -- when a job that is the full-time equivalent of what I've been doing part-time for almost 5 years doesn't want me, that stings. When the entry-level job at the place I formerly interned, when I have one of their employees as my referral and recommendation doesn't want me, it fucking hurts. I'm embarrassed, honestly.

And I'm sorry, but I'm sick of the reflexive platitudes. If one more person tells me yeah, the market is so tough for everyone right now, it's not just you I'm going to start sobbing. In their face. For them to deal with.

But let me stop whining. What else is up? I guess I never wrapped up AWP?

The last AWP I went to was in PHL 2022 on a grant from my university. I slept on my mom's couch and took the metro in every morning, where I spent the whole day in the convention center and went straight back to my mother's, passing out almost immediately. I didn't go to a single offsite; I didn't know a single person. If anyone asked, I told them I wasn't really even a writer, I didn't know what I was doing there.

I probably wouldn't have gone to another AWP if it weren't literally in my city. If my old student email hadn't been active, I likely wouldn't have bothered with admission. Having sat in a few panels this year, I'm now really demoralized with the purpose of AWP -- a panel I went to on archiving born-digital projects was moderately attended, but really only concerned keeping personal archives; the panel on finding funding in a climate where NEA grants have been cancelled was sparse; the panel on organizing writers into a union was even more so. But the panel on "how to get into the New York Times," was packed, and offered a handout of tips for you hopeful writers -- only available on the moderator's website the next day.

I don't have any ambition of putting writing in the New York Times, sorry. Not right now, at least. But it's very telling to me what panels attendees were gravitating towards, where they were putting their hope. And I have to wonder if AWP banks on hope.

Something else I noticed this year, compared to the hazy memory I have of 2022 -- it felt like there were far less smaller presses and lit mags in attendance than in the past, and I don't know if I'm hallucinating that. It's no stretch to call AWP cost-prohibitive. Bookfair tables start at $800, and booths at $1100. How many mags and presses can affort that?? How many presses make that back?? This year in particular, I was very aware of how many universities were present to sell me an MFA program versus how many of my friends that ran presses were selling their wares in the corner of someone else's table or booth.

On that note, shoutout BRUISER for their own small fair at the Ottobar on Thursday, 3/5. It was a delight to read for Travis Shosa's Dodo Eraser, and I got to meet so many of the folks I solely know from my phone -- so strange for us all to have been in one place. It's like being at a state fair. Also in the crowd was my partner, two of my coworkers who don't particularly get along famously, and my best friend from elementary and middle school that I haven't seen in nearly a decade. It was a very strange night.

I wish I could have made it out to something on Friday, but I was too fucking exhausted. Each day of the conference and offsites was just too much. The offsite I went to on Wednesday, a fifth wheel press/jackleg press/Mason Jar Press production, was 3 hours long -- a great set of readings and burlesque/drag performers, but just. So long. After getting lunch with a friend and taking a last spin of the book fair on Saturday, I had to get out of there.

Conveniently, that meant reading on behalf of Burial Mag, which I think I can firmly say was the best caliber reading of my AWP. It ruled. Shoutout Jameson Draper for pulling it all together, and sorry to him for not giving him a bio; he threatened making something up about us if we didn't give him one, and I wanted to see what he came up with. Great reading. There was another press facilitating a reading the same bar immediately after us, and let me just say -- it's not a competition, but we'd definitely shown out.

I ended my AWP reading with JAKE, shouting in the back of Club Charles. I'm sad to see JAKE leave the scene, but so happy with everything they've been and done for our scene. I hope their editorial team remain friendly faces -- and if they ever come back, I'll swing for a deca-JAKE in full force.

Actually, I really ended AWP with my friends nat and Erica Leslie Weidner, who rule and I love and it was so great to catch up with them. My biggest dream and greatest source of exhaustion, I think, was that I hoped AWP would be a chance to hang out with my friends, but in actuality my friends were all in Baltimore but pulled to different places. There are so many people I still didn't get to meet, and that's a shame. Maybe I will try to go to Chicago next year. We'll see. I'd like a job first.

I also bought so fucking many books. Can't wait to get to them in the next 3-5 business years.